Hot Showers…

Dont you just love a hot shower? and hear the water run? I just got out of it and figured I would write about why I enjoy taking nice hot showers. Not trying to make it sound all sexual as I’m sure it will sound like it since I’m talking about showers T_T It just means something personal and emotional to me.
As a young kid, I was not happy. It may seem like it but I had a pretty horrible childhood. Not like I was beaten or abused physically…but mentally I was. I was 4 years old when my dad was stationed in Japan. We moved back to California when I was 10 years old. No Big deal right? It was a huge deal for me. To cut a long story short, basically, I tried to fit in. I tried wearing the fancy expensive cool clothes; i didnt feel like me. I tried wearing makeup, felt like I was uglier wearing it. I tried to be more outgoing and outspoken; honestly I dont think I’m that smart enough or caring enough to carry on a conversation with another person. Anyone who really knows me, knows I tried…in the end, I just got made fun of. It also seemed like everytime I did try to not be myself, i would get a confidence boost. After a while, I think…that’s not me and I go back down on my low self esteem. It’s just a never-ending cycle. (although ever since I have met my husband that’s all changed.) This probably led me into depression at the end of my 8th grade year; as well as several suicide attempts during high school, but I learned to cope through hot showers. When I was younger, I would turn on the water and just sit underneath the water. Let it run through my body because it just seemed to wash all the bad stuff away. Hearing the splatters of water hitting the shower floor seemed to echo out the negative thoughts in my head. It is a temporary relief but it also gathered my thoughts. By the end of the shower, I am thinking rationally. To this day, I still take showers sitting down. Not cause I’m depressed or going insane, because it reminds me of how a shower as a kid can seem to alter reality. Is it real? Am I dreaming? When I get out of this shower, can I really deal with this problem?

*sighs* If I could, I would spend all day in my shower.



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